what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
