I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
