If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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