The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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