you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
