6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
