his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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