your parents love me but you hate me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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