what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
