I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
