im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
