i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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