I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
