Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize