i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
