The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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