btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
