I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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