just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
