I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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