I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize