It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just forgot I was standing up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
