dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
