I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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