I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
