So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
