I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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