You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
