Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
