his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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