so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
