she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
