she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
