Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Ketchup is God's man juice
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
