My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
do herpes really smell.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
