I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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