i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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