i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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