This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
