I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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