And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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