Umm I'm too high to move.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
