apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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