If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
