I want you more than these girls want KFC
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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