i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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