theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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