fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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