So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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