My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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