I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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