i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize