I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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