My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
