just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
