Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
