this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
