I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
