I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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