okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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