As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
