sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
