The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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