"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
