No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
