I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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