My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
